


Wild Drunken Sexy Time

by anemptymargin



Category: The IT Crowd
Genre: Alcohol, Humor, Other, Threesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-18
Updated: 2010-12-18
Packaged: 2017-10-13 18:02:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/140133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anemptymargin/pseuds/anemptymargin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Either I’m getting sober or this is the most surreal thing I’ve been privy to. (Though not so much surreal as uncomfortable and somehow kind of sexy.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wild Drunken Sexy Time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Minim Calibre (minim_calibre)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/minim_calibre/gifts).



> Yuletide gifty for minim_calibre who happened to mention a bit o’ OT3. Hope this is well received, it is a bit of a departure for me… but I had fun with it. Too much fun, actually… I can’t really say much more without slipping into Douglas’ mind and nattering about sexy sex that has sexing. This contains judicious application of booze. Potentially dubious consent on Moss’ part… but it is Moss. The discomfort you feel is perfectly normal and should subside once you realize you’re reading The IT Crowd porn.

It had all started with drinks, lots of fruity candy-colored drinks that seemed to just keep coming. None of them had exactly planned to get pissed or anything, but they didn’t seem very strong and Moss was sure to check each one before Jen was allowed to imbibe. It was worth it, anything to make it through Douglas’ idea of an employee appreciation party, really does anyone want to attend a psychedelic luau?

By half of eleven the ladies at Douglas’ table had taken their tops off and Jen began to come off as just a little bit drunk. “Disgusting. Look at them! Taking their tops off like… like some sort of prostitutes. Do they really think that’s the only way to get ahead? By having breasts?”

“It does help, you know. It’s not like I’d get a pay rise if I took my shirt off.” Roy drawled, leaning on the table to sip at a neon pink concoction with a cocktail straw.

“Jen, I’m very uncomfortable with this. I think we should leave.” Moss spoke to her softly, slowing his speech to compensate for her obvious over-consumption. “It’s getting late and you’re both drunk.”

“I’m not drunk.” Jen and Roy responded in unison, apparently unaware of it Jen continued, “I can’t go yet. I haven’t taken my top off.”

“Roy…”

“Let her take her blouse off, Moss. Let them all get totally naked and mad…” Roy grinned up at the server when she brought another round of fizzy drinks. “Would you like to take your top off?”

***

Getting tossed out of the club wasn’t nearly as humiliating as the cab ride back to Jen’s home where they were not-so-politely asked to exit the cab and not return when Jen did in fact take her top off. Not to be outdone, Roy also stripped off his t-shirt, hanging it off her coat rack after slamming the door behind them.

“Oh God, Roy… put your clothes on.” Jen grumbled loudly, “Help me unhook my bra.”

“See, this is exactly what I mean - a woman shows her breasts and it’s sexy, but if I do it suddenly its some big unsexy thing…” Roy muttered, managing the front clasp with only moderate difficulty.

“Roy…” Moss said, shoving his hands into his pockets and then thinking better of it and taking them out. “I should take you home now.”

“And we have… breasts!” Jen grinned triumphantly, turning a little too fast she stumbled back against Roy. “Like magic, right? You will give me things…”

“Jen, you are very drunk right now.” Moss averted his eyes momentarily before giving up all hope as she brandished them towards him. “I recommend going to lie down before you embarrass yourself.”

“Bit late for that, innit?” She giggled again, cupping a palm under each breast, “Come on now, Moss. Not like you haven’t properly met them before.”

Roy sat heavily on Jen’s sofa, apparently missing the implication of her remarks. “It’s not fair! Why can’t I be sexy?”

Jen, drawn away from assaulting Moss with her breasts, turned back towards Roy. Closing her eyes, she sat down beside him. “I’m sorry, Roy. You just… you’re not sexy. It isn’t your fault.”

“Don’t listen to her Roy; you’re a very sexy man.” Moss spoke up, figuring if he can’t derail the insanity he may as well join in.

“You really think so?” Roy slurred, a smile turning the corners of his mouth. “Moss says I’m sexy, Jen.” He looked directly at her.

Jen laughed far too loudly, drawing it out until she was almost gasping for air. “Of course he thinks your sexy! He’s your boyfriend. He has to think you’re sexy.”

Moss quickly sat down between them, filling out the small sofa. “Oh, Jen… you silly, crazy, very drunk woman you…”

“He’s not my boyfriend!” Roy grumbled even louder, shaking his head. “I’m so sick of everyone thinking we’re some sort of couple. I mean, sure, there was that one couple weeks but it was an isolated incident for the most part. We are mostly completely platonically heterosexual.” His accent grew thicker with each barbed comment and he leaned in close to Moss, his palm steadied on the other man’s thigh.

“It’s okay, Roy. You don’t have to hide it from me… I mean, come on… this is me you’re talking to.” She laughed loudly, “Moss told me everything months ago.”

“She’s clearly delusional, Roy - talking utter nonsense…”

“What exactly did he say?” Roy pointedly ignored Moss’ attempt, squeezing his thigh a bit too hard.

“Just, you know… you two were an item and talking about getting married but you didn’t want anyone to know… you bloody liar!” She groaned loudly, slapping Moss on the shoulder. “Why would you say something like that?”

Moss sighed and closed his eyes, his cheeks burning hot. He was caught in his clever deception, all because Jen couldn’t keep her flipping top on. “You tried to have sex with me, Jen… my options were limited.”

“Wait, wait… you had sex with him?” Roy looked at Jen accusingly. “And nobody bothered to tell me about this?”

“No! No, I was drunk and may have gotten a bit sexually aggressive… but only because I know I can trust you, Moss…”

“You turned that down?” Roy turned his attention back to Moss, “What were you thinking?”

“I’m not good under pressure! I panicked and said the first thing that came to mind. I can’t just take advantage of someone who is that drunk.”

“It’s not taking advantage, Moss. I’m aroused, not unconscious. Did it ever occur to you that I know what I’m doing?” Jen sighed, covering her eyes with both hands.

“You said you wanted to ride me like a pony!” Moss argued, “It just didn’t feel right.”

“And telling her that we’re gay did?”

“At the time, yes. Upon further consideration I do concede it was a bad plan, but right now you are both drunk and topless… it is hardly the time to be talking about sex.”

Jen snickered, and then shook her head as she grinned at the pair. “Right, right… you’re right.” She laughed again, “I mean, look at me… I was probably going to just end up having sex with you and vowing to never drink again… and oh God…”

“Wait, you brought us back here with the intention to seduce us?” Moss furrowed his brow, pushing his glasses up on the bridge of his nose.

“No, that’s why I took my top off.” She sighed, getting up off the sofa, stumbling towards her bedroom with her short skirt still riding up high on her thighs. As if having second thoughts, she stopped and slowly turned back to them, leaning heavily against a wall. “Look, I’m going to have a bit of a nightcap and a lie down. If you want to stay, you’re welcome to my guest room. It’s… you know, down there…”

“Thank you, Jen, but in light of recent events…” Moss began.

Roy interjected, “We’ll stay. Thank you, Jen.”

Jen nodded, and then excused herself for the evening.

After a drawn out moment, Moss sighed. “Why did you tell her we’d stay? This is a bad idea.”

“Think about it, Moss. There’s a woman. In this house. Right now. Who just offered to have sex with us.”

“Yes, but it’s Jen and she has been drinking…”

“So? I’m drunk. It’s completely consensual.”

“Yeah, well… I’m not. I will have no part in this… this… violation!”

“Fine. Suit yourself. We’ll see who plays cowboy tonight.”

***

Approximately five minutes after Moss stretched out under the guest room blanket in his pants and undershirt, he saw the door open and close. A blurry version of Roy stumbled around the edges of the bed before crawling under the covers behind him.

“You ‘wake?” Roy asked just above a whisper.

“I didn’t think you’d last long in your state.” Moss responded in the coldest voice he could muster. “Serves you right.”

“Don’t be like that.” Roy groaned, pushing his belly tight against the curve of his friend’s back. “Didn’t even get a chance. You should have seen it, Moss… it was some sort of monster freak vibrator-slash-kitchen appliance. My first Nintendo was smaller than this thing. It was like something out of that extreme insertions website…”

“Roy…” Moss groaned and closed his eyes, “What’re you talking about?”

“She was just… taking it. Thrusting and moaning and buzzing like some sort of crazy thing….” Roy continued, gently wedging his pelvis against the seat of Moss’ pants.

Distracted by the only somewhat unexpected grinding of Roy’s jeans against his cotton shorts, Moss was even more shocked to feel the bed sink directly in front of him, the blanket being yanked away.

“Mmm, you should try it sometime.” Jen’s soft voice still sounded slurred and heavy with alcohol. “I bet it would feel amazing right up under your balls.” Her palm stroked over the front of the thin cotton between them - slipping inside the open fly to tease at Moss’ sac.

A small squeak was all Moss could manage before closing his eyes even tighter against the conflicting sensation. “What is going on here?”

Roy chuckled against his ear, letting a strong hand grip Moss’ slender hips as he continued to grind against him. “Jen and I thought that maybe we were too rough on you tonight.”

Jen cut in, trailing her fingers maddeningly over the shaft of his cock, drawing it towards her. “I know… we know… this whole sex thing can be a bit difficult for you.”

“Confusing.” Roy added.

“Hard.” Jen giggled under her breath at her own slip as her fingers fully grasped his hardness.

“You just need to get over a couple hang-ups and relax…” Roy murmured, “Nobody needs to know anything, just let it go.”

“Yes.” Jen moaned in an approximation of what her sexy voice would likely sound like if she wasn’t half pissed. “You like this.”

Moss whimpered low in his throat, licking his lower lip. “I don’t know…”

“Oh, you know.” Roy whispered with a soft chuckle, “You sure knew after two shots of cheap vodka, bent over a pillow while I…”

“Roy!” Moss hissed through clenched teeth.

“Shh…” Jen chided them both, tightening her grip for only a few hard strokes before slowly withdrawing her hand.

Before he could protest, Moss felt Jen’s soft breasts pressing against his face, his mouth almost subconsciously finding a hard nipple. He was completely out of control and felt like his whole brain was flying every direction - it was fantastic.

“Mmm, that’s good. Harder now… it won’t hurt.” Jen groaned softly, sliding his pants down his hips just above the knees. “Roy, take your trousers off.”

“Right.” Roy pulled away, far too close to getting off against the worn denim. Quietly, he obeyed, watching in the dim light as Jen took Moss’ accessible hand, placing it against her naked sex. “God…” He whimpered, “This is actually happening, isn’t it?”

“Warm…” Moss murmured around the hard nub between his lips.

“What… what now, Jen?” Roy sank down onto the large mattress, once more tucking in tight against his friend as though he had always been there.

Jen shuddered, biting into her lower lip as Moss’ long fingers stroked over her slippery mound, exploring the sensitive flesh blindly. “I… I didn’t really think this far.”

“Have you got a condom?” Moss whispered, turning his head to face Roy.

“Right. Right.” Roy smirked, rolling off the bed once more and digging into his pockets - returning with a strip of them. “What way?”

“Were you planning on some sort of orgy tonight?” Jen giggled, letting out a soft groan when Moss withdrew his fingers and pushed up on his elbows.

“I like to be ready.” Roy responded casually, ripping off two of the packages and opening them like sugar packets. “You never know when something might happen…”

“Those sorts of things never happen to us, Roy.” Moss rolled his eyes, chuckling. “Like sex just casually happens.”

Jen sighed, “Right, of course.”

“On my back, please.” Moss answered Roy’s question, pulling his knees up and then bending them outward.

Roy rolled on one condom, and then a second. “Alright, ready then?”

Jen let out another too-loud laugh, following it with a soft snort. “Either I’m getting sober or this is the most surreal thing I’ve been privy to.” She shook her head and sighed again, “Oh god…”

“You started this, Jen.” Roy knelt on the bed, creeping towards his friend with practiced ease. “We could have just had wild drunken sex but here we are…”

“This is wild, drunken sex.” Jen groaned, her palm resting on Moss’ shirt. “Just… wild drunken sex with… with you guys.”

“But don’t feel wild, or drunk.” Moss looked up at her in all seriousness.

“Roy, please… for the love of… just fuck him, please.”

“Right.” Roy nodded and pushed himself up close to Moss’ ass, rubbing himself against the split. “This is okay?”

Moss nodded, biting down on his lower lip - prepared for the penetration. “Go ahead.”

Jen muttered something under her breath along the lines of ‘unsexy’ and rolled on all fours, straddling Moss’ thin midsection. “Don’t think about it, and don’t speak.” She whispered, closing her eyes as she tried not to think about the utter weirdness the situation had degraded to. “Just relax.”

“Fully relaxed.” Moss responded, then added, “Sorry, forgot about the not speaking part…”

“Shh.” Roy hushed, pushing in slowly. For balance, he hooked one arm around Jen’s waist as he began with a gentle rhythm.

“Mmm, that’s good.” Jen murmured, scooting herself down close enough to feel Moss’ hardness prod against her thigh. She wasn’t quite ready to go there, yet. “Steady, steady…”

“Trying.” Roy groaned softly, holding pace as best he could. “This would be easier if I didn’t have a backseat driver.”

“Right there… yeah…” Jen smiled, watching Moss’ face twist and soften in ways she had never seen before. She vaguely wondered if there wasn’t more than some casual sex, and then was distracted by Roy’s large palm creeping up from her belly to cup her breast. “Oh why not…” She muttered to herself, reaching back to gently his cock. “Roy, condom please.”

“See, told you…” Roy pressed a packet into her hand.

“Shut it.” Jen grumbled, managing to open the package and successfully apply the condom behind her back without looking - it felt slutty, but in a good sort of way… not the sort of way that requires taking her top off at a party.

Moss panted, letting out a thin whine behind clenched teeth as Jen sank down on his member, rocking in opposing time to Roy’s increasingly erratic thrusts. It had occurred to him that he felt like the bearing of an off balance pendulum being pushed one way and then another and yet also achieving friction from outside means in a bit of a puzzling fashion. It was also quite fantastic and reminded him that he must design a sexy pendulum to further explain his unrestrained desire.

“Oh god… oh god…” Roy groaned, speeding up as he watched Jen even closer. “Oh my god…”

“Not yet!” Jen panted desperately, rocking her hips fast and hard - bracing both hands on Moss’ torso.

Moss groaned loudly, biting his bottom lip hard as his hands knotted in the pillows under his head.

“Oh god.” Jen shuddered, pushing herself to finish quickly when she felt the horrid rush of nausea and dizziness.

***

They didn’t speak in the morning, Jen stayed in her bed until she’d heard them leave - not even wanting to consider what had transpired the night before. Roy offered Moss a ride back but he declined, it would be too quiet.

By Monday things were more or less back to normal, morning had been mostly calls - the fourth floor needed half a dozen hard drives reformatted, Miriam in accounts had a sticky situation involving her keyboard and some Diet Cuke, and had Douglas insisted they build him a mechanical bull… going on about something in a handbook while they made a basic mock up and budget for the project.

“So, you guys are awfully quiet…” Jen came out of her office shortly after lunch, and stretched out across the sofa.

“Busy, Jen. Very busy.” Roy jumped in, “Looking for a mechanical bull.”

“Oh god, don’t tell me you went out and read the bloody handbook. I’m not going to participate in a reverse quilting bee.”

“Handbook? What handbook does everyone keep referring to - some sort of esoteric interoffice handbook?” Moss raised an eyebrow, clicking through his tabs quickly… getting the impression there wasn’t much of a market for used mechanical bovines.

“You know, that whole Threesome Handbook thing you’re talking about… there’s nothing saying we’re ever going to do that again.”

“Oh no, not this talk.” Roy sighed, dropping his head to the desk. “I’ll be right here, pointedly ignoring this is happening.”

“What, it’s nothing to be uncomfortable about… we got a little drunk, things happened. No big deal, right?” Jen peeked up over the back of the sofa, “Right, Moss?”

“For the record, I was sober. And fabulous.” Moss responded.

“Of course you were fabulous!” Roy sat back up rather quickly, shifting back in his chair. “The bottom is always fabulous. It’s the rest of us that end up feeling like silly twats.”

“You’re not silly, or a twat.” Jen sighed, “Why are you taking this all so seriously?”

Roy didn’t respond, and Moss took it as his cue to answer. “Because he wants to do it again.”

“You shut it!” Roy shouted, sending a purple Koosh ball flying across the room. “I told you never to mention that!”

“I think she probably already knew, Roy. In the unlikely event that she didn’t, she would have just gotten you drunk and started the whole mess up again eventually anyway.”

“It’s different when you’re legitimately drunk!” Roy whined, looking back to Jen. “You already know I’m a letch… this is nothing new, is it?”

“Well, you are a bit of letch…” Jen shrugged, leaning back against the arm of the sofa a long moment. “You know what, though… we should. We should… this could be a good thing…”

“I don’t know, Jen… the last time you said that I ended up being followed by the police.” Moss replied.

“No, no! I mean it. Think about it, doing the whole triad thing… its very hip now, you know? All the posh ladies are taking two men these days. You could be my… my men. It would be fun!”

Roy didn’t respond right away, then muttered; “Awright then… I guess…”

“What was that?” Jen raised an eyebrow, sitting halfway up.

“I said…” Roy shrugged, “I guess yeah. Why not.”

Jen let out a squeak that could have possibly been pleased, “Moss, you in then?”

“I’ll have to delay my pendulum project.”

“Right…” Roy nodded, as though he actually knew what he was talking about.

“Will the vibrator be a fourth party to this ménage?” Moss furrowed his brow.

“Erm… not… not if you don’t want it to?” Jen responded weakly, going a bit pink in the cheeks.

“Only if you tell me first, I’d have to be heavily prepared for that sort of thing.”

“Okay… so that’s a…”

“It’s just crazy enough to work…” Moss responded casually, raising an eyebrow.

***End***


End file.
